How should I feel?

As you know Len passed away at the end of March. April, May, June, and July is here. How should I feel? My mood can change several times each day. Having the tears in my rotator cuff has knocked me for six.

I honestly thought that I could be at the gym for 3 to 4 hours a day, and it’s always a feel good place for me, but all I have been able to do is the treadmill, and Zumba classes. I have been to several wellness checks, that I hadn’t done, or delayed, because of Len’s health. The doctor had me doing physical therapy for my shoulder, that didn’t make an ounce of difference.

Apart from one pension, I finally have all Len’s affairs in England sorted out, and that one I am waiting for them to make a decision, so out of my hands.

When I go out I try and have a smile on my face, and maybe that sends the wrong signals to people, that everything is fine. That’s not the case. I have been told that now I can get on with my life as Len had his chronic illnesses for 27 years, and I tended to his every need. He didn’t even know how to make a cup of coffee. I don’t feel that way.

I am emotional now writing down my thoughts, and feelings, and to be honest with myself, a part of me is missing. I talk to Len, and the Lord, and before going to bed I kiss his beautiful stone urn many times, and tell him how much I love, and miss him. I am a lost sole, but no one would ever know, because my smile becomes my mask when I am out. Everyone thinks I am strong, happy, and everything is okay. Wishful thinking.

I am going to stop right now, as I could continue letting it all out, but at least I have made a start.

34 comments

  1. Thx for sharing Susie about your life since your dear Len passed away. As you say, even though Len had health problems, the love between you two was obviously very deep. I find it lovely that you talk to Len + the Lord every night + that you kiss his urn.

    Since I’ve worked in an ICU for years, I’ve seen hundreds of examples of the beautiful love that both you + Len shared. I’ve often told my wife that the most profound thing that I’ve seen at work over the years is the beautiful love between couples + family members.

    Take Care Susie + thx again for sharing!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Aww, my heart goes out to you and I know my words may not help much but time does heal wounds. Your beautiful love that you both had together is something no one can replace. Thank you for sharing. Although we can’t walk in your shoes you are not alone. Sending hugs your way! ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Don’t you worry about wearing a smile mask every day. You do what you feel like, and grieve the way you want to, not what others think you should do. We are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers, Susie. We may not be able to be physically beside you, but we’re with you.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. You do what ever you want. If you want to smile go for it, if not then don’t. Take your time grieving. Grieve your way. Im glad you are able to express your feelings here, hopefully it helps a little bit. Wishing you all the best and if you ever want to talk,vent, scream, or just need a shoulder, you can message me anytime.

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  5. It’s always touchy for those around you too, not knowing how to respond, the right thing to say or do, or whether to say or do nothing at all, just be there for you. In any event, your a wonderful woman, your strong, and although you miss the man youve loved forever, know that there are many others out there, even though we aren’t close, that care and have you in our hearts. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dearest Susie,
    No one can really know how you feel, but we can understand you are grieving and how hard it is to go on without a loved one. Though we cannot share your grief, or ease your loneliness, we can feel love and compassion for you. That is a powerful healing force and you have so many followers! Remarkable!

    Len hasn’t really left you. All is not lost, just changed. You devoted your life to him for so many years, but now God has something else in mind for you to do. Wonder what it is? Whatever that is, you will excel and inspire others, for that is your nature, Sweetheart. Perhaps it is even the grief itself that is guiding you forward into your newness of life.

    I continue to hold you in my HEART wishing you well.
    May God Bless you in every way.
    With very much Love,
    Betty💞

    Liked by 1 person

  7. We all grieve differently and it will just if we all respect that because there isn’t a scale or rating to compare how someone is feeling after the loss of a love one or a dear family member. So for you and to you it does get better with time. Strength, love and most of all a recovery to still remember Len and the joyous life you shared in the most healthy manner for YOU

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Don’t let anyone tell how you’re supposed to grieve … especially those inner voices, the ‘supposed to’s’, and the ‘shoulds’ … I suppose it’s like that question about how long is a piece of string – just as long as it needs to be… your grief will be as long as it needs to be.
    May you find the peace you need to get you through each day.

    Like

  9. God bless you dear. This has got to be so hard for you right now. Hopefully you are doing self care & pampering for as much comfort as possible. Sometimes we don’t know how to feel when we suffer great loss. I think it depends on what we expect from ourselves or we wish to show others. I think it’s OK to shut down if you need to within reason. I was always a person that just keeps plodding forward no matter what or who I lose. That’s learned behavior but it’s not good for anyone to do that. I think “fake it til you make it” is a pretty good stance. Sometimes I have felt my lowest but having to work my entire life I had to put on a false front for others & after a while I started to feel better when I acted like I was better. What ever works for you, do it.

    Liked by 1 person

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