As you know Len passed away at the end of March. April, May, June, and July is here. How should I feel? My mood can change several times each day. Having the tears in my rotator cuff has knocked me for six.
I honestly thought that I could be at the gym for 3 to 4 hours a day, and it’s always a feel good place for me, but all I have been able to do is the treadmill, and Zumba classes. I have been to several wellness checks, that I hadn’t done, or delayed, because of Len’s health. The doctor had me doing physical therapy for my shoulder, that didn’t make an ounce of difference.
Apart from one pension, I finally have all Len’s affairs in England sorted out, and that one I am waiting for them to make a decision, so out of my hands.
When I go out I try and have a smile on my face, and maybe that sends the wrong signals to people, that everything is fine. That’s not the case. I have been told that now I can get on with my life as Len had his chronic illnesses for 27 years, and I tended to his every need. He didn’t even know how to make a cup of coffee. I don’t feel that way.
I am emotional now writing down my thoughts, and feelings, and to be honest with myself, a part of me is missing. I talk to Len, and the Lord, and before going to bed I kiss his beautiful stone urn many times, and tell him how much I love, and miss him. I am a lost sole, but no one would ever know, because my smile becomes my mask when I am out. Everyone thinks I am strong, happy, and everything is okay. Wishful thinking.
I am going to stop right now, as I could continue letting it all out, but at least I have made a start.